Spring Break Ideas for Family Fun

Help!  It's Spring Break!

 

Spring break is almost upon us and parents are scrambling to figure out how to keep the kids entertained.  First, it's not your job to "keep them busy." Let them be bored - it spurs creative thinking on their part.  Especially if you keep the switch to the wifi off! When they whine about boredom, here are some suggestions to make Spring break fun.  And, if they slide into video game oblivion, don't worry.  Remember the "break" word in Spring break and realize they need some unstructured, veg-out, down time from their daily routines too.  It's only one week!

 

Suggestions:

 

·        Board games inside

·        Go for a walk in nature reserves or the zoo

·        Play hide and seek outdoors in a new park

·        Give Easter treats that are different than chocolate - sidewalk chalk, bubbles, skipping ropes, remote control cars, balls, badminton sets

·        Go geocaching

·        Bake or teach older kids to cook

·        Send them outside with a small task to do.  Once they are outside, kids find interesting things to do on their own.  It's just getting them out that is hard.

·        Teach a new card game

·        Drop your tweens and teens off at the local library to try new programs on the computers.

·        Dig out those Christmas puzzles, craft kits, paint by number kits and building kits that never got opened or didn’t get finished at Christmas

·        Go to a second hand children’s store and pick up some treasures.  We just got a kit of Snap Circuits that kept the kids busy for a week building the circuit boards.

·        Dig out the Nerf guns and bullets – let them go wild in the house.  Even better, someone could host a couple of kids and a Nerf party in their house or a nearby park.

·        Have a theme movie week – The Harry Potter movie fest. Watch one movie per day

·        Camp inside the family room

·        Start a project such as cleaning out the basement or painting a room.  Get the teens to help.

·        Pay the teens to do a big job such as categorize and print all those photos on your computer.

 

Happy break!

 

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling print book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery and the new DVD, Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the digital generation for health, safety and love as well as the new book, The Last Word on Parenting Advice  www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca

Date Night: Stoking the Hearth of the Home

In the movie, Date Night, the characters played by Steve Carell and Tina Fey, are in a long term relationship that they try to spice up by going out to dinner once a week on a date night.  The trouble is that their date night is, monotonously predictable: they go to the same restaurant and order the same food on the same night.  They start to notice the sameness when they become a little too clichéd even for their own taste by talking about the variation of the chicken quality instead of their feelings, week by week.  One night, they do something different – they dress up, pick a new restaurant and go to dinner in the city for a change.  What happens next is hilarious and they end up with an incredible evening tale – probably one that no couple would wish for – but the end result was that they had a renewed sense of each other as the people they loved – not just roles such as parents, children, siblings, etc, although those roles were strengthened as well.

No matter how long they have been together, couples need sparks, creativity and fun in their relationship.  As the years pass, they need it even more.  For centuries, organized religion has discovered that people need continuous affirmation of their faith in the form of weekly rituals such as church attendance.  Relationships need the same kind of tendering and care.  Regular meetings are required in order to talk, have fun, and spend time together. We know that friendships survive on shared interests, yet, as soon as we partner up with our very best friend, we tend to settle into domestic boredom and let the shared interests slide. Every relationship has peaks and valleys – moments where love is overwhelming and moments when you seriously wonder why you are still with him or her. Couples need to remind themselves the qualities that they saw in each other at the beginning of the relationship, and what they still love about each other.  This is even more critical when mortgages, pets, children, jobs, laundry, broken appliances, normal conflicts and elderly caretaking occur alongside the couple relationship.  These are normal stresses, but they can be overwhelming in a relationship without some nurturing buffers such as date night and time together.

Research shows that the first five years of a relationship are the most difficult because of career building demands, money woes, and especially the parenting of babies and toddlers.  The lack of sleep, child tantrums, worry, and differing parenting styles, can tear down the closeness and caring of even the most loving of couples as we tend to take our parenting frustrations out on each other, rather than the children.  This can be toxic to relationships.  We need frequent reminders to be kind and caring to each other, in the good times and especially in the challenging times.  As kids get older and easier to parent, relationships naturally improve, but take a dip again in the teen years.  This coincides with menopause, career peaking, travel, and mid-life crisis issues.  We may start to look around the buffet table, even though we are on a diet!  The parenting of teens can be challenging and adds to the stress.  Couples need to put more work into their relationship at this stage, similar to the first five years.  Research shows that after the teen stage, relationships improve and enrich. There’s a no-brainer, because parenting is so much “done”.

We started our own date night when we have three children under three and felt we were losing the essence of “us” in the dreary day to day details of domestic life.  We made a point of hiring a standing sitter to come every Tuesday evening.  Some days we were so tired, we blearily welcomed in our sitter, grabbed our pillows and headed to the parked car in the driveway for a blissful, uninterrupted nap.  People would question the cost of a standing sitter but we considered it a financial investment. Research shows that divorce is the single most disastrous event that devastates couples’ finances and wealth, and in light of that, we felt that hiring a weekly sitter made sound financial sense.  Not only did we fund her college education, the kids actually enjoyed the sitter coming, since we didn’t have any grandparents or relatives to take over. She was fun, responsible and became an extended family member.  The kids loved the new video games she brought each week. 

It was hard when the young babies and toddlers were going through separation anxiety.  Although we are both attachment parents, their crying seemed to bother me more than my partner.  I would like to say the decision was easy, but like many grey areas in life, sometimes I felt that I couldn’t leave the kids and so I discussed with my husband some ways to stay at home and not leave them, and he was sensitive to my needs. Other times, I realized his needs had to come first and we absolutely needed some time alone for the sake of our relationship or we might not make it through another week.  We would desperately say goodbye to the kids as gently as we could and walk out the door. Like any relationship, we had to see whose needs were paramount at that moment, and meet them. That’s real life and the eighth principle of attachment parenting. The kids usually had settled in with the sitter, when we phoned ten minutes later, and most often, we had a great evening, a heartfelt talk and the kids were okay.  We felt that a strong parenting partnership was the greater good for all concerned in the long run.  As is many parenting decisions, when and how to leave the children is a decision that each couple must make and decide when is best for them.

We felt a critical aspect of parenting is giving the kids a role model for respectful relationships and a blueprint for keeping love, passion and companionship alive in long term, monogamous relationships, whether that followed a traditional husband –wife marriage or domestic partnership between consenting, loving adults, whatever gender. We try to hash out conflicts in front of the kids as well as resolve and make up too. We also need to show them that parents are humans too.

In addition to date night, we also have private time on our own.  We have Mom’s night out (mommy goes to the movies or book club with her friends) and Dad’s day out (dad goes out to play volleyball with his friends).  People need to care for themselves in order to care for others.

We also have kid date night (although I can’t call it that anymore with the teens around) where one of us or both will take each kid out one-on-one for some special time. They get to pick what we will do.  We mark off their birth date on the calendar each month and then everyone knows that is the date to keep clear.  For example, my son was born on September 4th so every 4^th of the month is his day. In the early days, with my partner working out of town, I would get a sitter to stay with the other kids.  It’s amazing the difference in our parent-child communication because of that and how much it cuts down on sibling fighting. 

 

Twenty four years later, we are still going strong.  With five children, some of who are teens and adults, we no longer need sitters.  Spontaneity is back.  We can suggest a movie to each other, and be out the door in five minutes, just like we did BC (before children).  We even put some friendly daring into the mix – once we parked in the expectant parent’s parking spot at the movie theatre and then ordered the seniors rate movie tickets to get in!  Don’t tell the kids!

The “Date Night” Rules

Together, choose an evening of the week for date night, but make it consistently the same day of the week or it gets left by the wayside. If you have children, hire a standing sitter to come each week at the same time. Try to get a sitter who drives and pay the sitter well. If finances are a problem, join a babysitting co-op and trade tokens. If separation anxiety is a problem, plan date nights at home when the children are asleep. Each partner takes a turn planning the date, executing, driving, and paying. The other partner is the guest.  Then, the next week, switch roles.  It’s more fun to keep plans a secret until you are both in the car or it’s the time of the date.  Surprise is part of the fun! The planner should hire the sitter and feed the kids before you go out. Look your best, even for home dates.  The only information the guest needs to know is what to wear and if they should eat before going out. Try to plan an evening without friends, so that intimate subjects can be addressed if need be. Some subjects are difficult to bring up, but with time and space, it’s better to broach the subjects and give it air time, than to bury it.  Couples who bury critical conversations end up with nothing to talk about in the later years and drift apart.  Be tolerant and enjoy the evening as much as possible knowing that your partner put a lot of effort into making it special for you, even if they didn’t quite nail it that week.

For more ideas that are continually updated, visit our blog, Date Night YYC.  Even though the ideas are for Calgary and area, they are easily transferable to any city.  If you have young children, check out the blog for information on how to start a Baby Sitting Co-op.

Date Night-Out Ideas

• Live Theatres (High schools and smaller troupes have cheap or no cost nights)
• Concerts (Check out university and community bands)
• Parks and reserves offer boating rentals
• Go out for a coffee or a beer at the local pub
• Movie in the park
• Picnics everywhere
• Dinner crawl – go to several restaurants for appetizer, salad, main and dessert.
• Pub hopping downtown
• Zoo, Museum, Library or Science Centre
• Wine tasting events
• Couple massage
• Pottery painting
• Classes
• Friends’ house party
• Go out for breakfast or meet for lunch
•  “Lovers or couples” trade show
• Comedy theatre, Pecha Kucha, MoMondays
• Bike ride, either cycle or motorcycle
• Drive-in or movie-in-the-park
• Pick up take-out and watch the planes land at the airport
• Go-carting or laser tag
• Shakespeare or other plays  “in the park”
• Fitness: gym date, bowling, rock climbing, yoga, roller skating, golf, hiking, or simply running
• Lecture (Check out libraries, universities and bookstores)
• Volunteer together such as canvassing, working at the food bank and places where you can talk and have fun
• Window shop
• Ride the City trains – bring a snack and have a train picnic

 

Date Night-In Ideas

 

• Snuggle in bed with a movie and a picnic of wine, bread and cheese
• Dinner and movie at home with a theme such as French night – have crepes and watch “La Chocolat”
• Board or card game night
• Dance
• Bake cookies
• Play video games
• Read together in the bathtub, with candles, salts and wine
• Grab a pillow and blanket and sleep in the car with the baby monitor on
• Pick up books from the library and have a read-in around the fireplace
• Sit around the fire-pit outside and make marshmallows or hot dogs
• Relax in the hot tub
• Be a kid again and use the trampoline (or just lie on it and watch the stars), swing set, or swimming pool.
• Turn off all the lights and sit in the dark and watch the animal world outside. 
• Bring out photo albums or watch photos and videos on the big screen at home

 

Date Night-No Sitter-Available Ideas

 

• Car rides and walks (kids will either fall asleep or be entertained by the DVD player you bring).
• Go to places like Ikea, McDonalds, Airports and children’s hospitals.  Grab a coffee and a bench and utilize the play places to keep your kids entertained where you can talk but keep an eye on the children.
• Go to Chapters or other book stores and plunk the kids in the Kids section with an assortment of books.  Grab the in-house coffee and find a nearby seat.
• Set the alarm early and have coffee on the porch and watch the sun come up together.
• Take the kids to the playground and have a picnic for you two.
• If your kids are school-aged, book two tables at a restaurant at least 10 yards apart.  Sit your kids at one table, and you and your partner at another.  Monitor them from afar. Pretend you are the Aunt and Uncle so you don’t worry about their behavior.  Works even better with teens.

 

Happy dating!

Judy Arnall is a conference speaker, family communications trainer, and bestselling author of “Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery.” She is co-founder of Attachment Parenting Canada  www.attachmentparenting.ca and  www.professionalparenting.ca Her date night blog is at http://datenightyyc.wordpress.com/about/

 

 

Consequences: A discipline tool or a form of punishment?

CONSEQUENCES AS A DISCIPLINE TOOL

By Judy Arnall

 

Consequences are the natural outcome from our behaviours.  Every action that we humans do has a consequence. For our children, consequences are a powerful learning tool that tells them if their decision was a responsible one or a careless one. Experiencing the consequence from their action helps them to modify their future behaviour to enjoy better outcomes. Natural consequences are those outcomes that happen without the intervention of parents. Sometimes, letting children experience the natural consequence is too dangerous, such as letting a two-year-old experience the traffic in the street, because traffic may hit them. Logical consequences are arranged by the parents to teach a child the probable outcome of their behaviour and how to solve the ensuing problem. For example, a two-year-old is confined to the back yard because he runs out on the road when he’s in the front yard. This solves the safety problem for the parent and the child.

 

There are several guidelines when using consequences as a respectful and effective discipline tool.

 

Consequences must be related to the behaviour.  For example, a messy room might mean that the floor is too cluttered for Mom to put away the child’s laundry so the child must do it himself. An unrelated consequence would be Nintendo confiscated for a week until the room is cleaned up.   

 

Consequences must be reasonable. If a parenting makes the child pay 10 times the cost of an item that he has broken, it could be seen as unfair by the child. Realistically, the child should only pay for the replacement cost. Often, we issue consequences in anger and they are often unreasonable. To ensure that consequences stay reasonable, calm down first, and then ask yourself if the consequence is something that you would expect from a spouse or friend.  If it is, then it probably is reasonable. If a friend breaks your item, an apology and a replacement is something that you would expect. Teach your child the same solution.

 

Consequences must be realistic and you must be comfortable doing it.  Mom telling the child that the play date will end if the child acts up one more time, may not be enforceable, if Mom is enjoying chatting with the other mom on the play date, and unwilling to cut the time short.

 

Consequences must be consistent. Leaving the store in the middle of grocery shopping because of bad behaviour is very inconvenient, but if done consistently, the child soon learns that if they act up, the shopping trip is over. 

 

Consequences must not be used as a punishment. How to tell? If you threaten a certain outcome to get compliance, then the consequence is probably being used as a punishment, which could invite a power struggle, resentment, rebellion, shutdown of communication, etc.  The consequence of parents imposing a consequence on children is that children decide to stop talking to parents. Children know that the consequence arises from the parents imposing it, not from the fact that they may have “chose” the outcome.  For this reason, avoid threats.  Just impose the consequence matter-of-factly. If you get push back from the child, then go to problem-solving to remedy the situation. The best consequences focus on teaching restitution, solving problems and making amends. If a child spills a drink because she was careless pouring, she wipes up the mess. A child who hits another child needs to be separated, calmed down, and told the rule. The restitution part might be to offer the other child a toy, hug or an apology after the emotions have been dealt with.

 

Consequences won’t work when the underlying feeling/need of the child is not addressed.   In those cases, a consequence is the wrong discipline tool to choose. For example, a child who consistently refuses to wear a bike helmet even after having the bike locked away several times may have a good reason for not wearing it. Perhaps he is being teased because it looks babyish. Locking away a child’s bike for a week for not wearing his helmet might be too severe and the child could perceive it as unfair. A sit down problem solving talk to find out why the child is not wearing his helmet, can help to get buy-in from him to find a solution to the problem. He must wear a helmet, but there are many alternatives available when child and parent get together to brainstorm. Does he find the helmet too nerdy? Does he wish to pay half on a new one? Can he borrow his siblings? Can he buy a cool second hand one?  Either solution will mean that the bike still doesn’t get used without a helmet, but brainstorming provides other options.

 

Listening and mutual parent-child problem-solving are better tools used to uncover and address the underlying need. When used properly, consequences teach children appropriate behaviour in a positive way and should be in every parent’s discipline toolbox. 

 

Judy Arnall, BA, DTM, CCFE is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery and the new DVD, Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the digital generation for health, safety and love as well as the new book, The Last Word on Parenting Advice www.professionalparenting.ca, jarnall@shaw.ca, 403-714-6766

 

Why Your Toddler Should Say "NO!"

Celebrate your Toddler's "No!"
by Judy Arnall

I walked into the kitchen and discovered my two-year-old blonde haired daughter, dressed in her little pink fleece sleeper with the padded feet, standing on top of the chair next to the counter.  She was preoccupied with dipping her fingers into the butter bowl and then into the sugar bowl before they headed into her waiting mouth. When she saw me enter the kitchen, a potential threat to her wonderful activity, she formed a very concise pointed finger at me, and firmly delivered “NO!” at my astonished expression.

“NO!”  It’s probably the most commonly used word in toddlerhood!  It flies out of our children’s mouths before they even have time to really think about what they are saying “no” to. 

When my five children were young, they were allowed to say “no” as much as they wanted to. I would always try to respect their “no” as much as I could within the parameters of the particular situation, and especially in circumstances such as when they didn’t want to be tickled by me, or didn’t want to hear me sing, or didn’t want to be kissed by Grandma or didn’t want to share their prized possessions. I think “no” is an important word for asserting their feelings and desires and unless it is a matter of safety, they have the right to have their opinion listened to and respected. Here is why children should be allowed to say “no”:

I want my daughter to say “no” when she is three and her daddy might want to put her in the front seat and not the car seat because it is less hassle.

I want my daughter to say “no” when she is five and her little five-year-old friend might want her to cross a busy street without an adult.

I want my daughter to say “no” when she is nine and her Uncle might want to touch her in her private places.

I want my daughter to say “no” when she is twelve and her friends might want her to steal a candy bar from the grocery store.

I want my daughter to say “no” when she is fourteen and her friends might bully a fellow student.

I want my daughter to say “no” when she is fifteen and a friend’s drunk parent might want to drive her home from a sleepover party.

I want my daughter to say “no” when she is sixteen and her boyfriend might want to show her how much he loves her.

I want my daughter to say “no” when she is eighteen and her buddies might want her to try some “ecstasy.”

So, when she is two-years-old, my daughter can practice saying “no” as much as she needs to.  And I won’t take it personally.

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery and the new DVD, Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the digital generation for health, safety and love as well as the new book, The Last Word on Parenting Advice www.professionalparenting.ca, jarnall@shaw.ca, 403-714-6766

Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety.

Co-Sleeping with School-Aged Children

Family Bedrooms Still Popular Even with School-aged



Children



By Judy Arnall



“But Mom! You don’t have to sleep alone!” Kyle protests to his mom when she suggests that he

might want to sleep in his own room. Family bedrooms are increasingly becoming common in

North America thanks to the attachment parenting movement that recognizes that babies and

toddlers are not developmentally ready to sleep on their own for the first few years of life.



However, Kyle is seven years old, not two. The prevalence of family bedrooms among families

with school-aged children has not been studied, let alone talked about openly in our society yet,

but the trend is growing.



Many children, especially those that don’t have siblings to snuggle in with, continue to sleep in

the same family bedroom as their parents, well into the school-aged years. Because of high

profile cases such as the late Michael Jackson issue where he openly talked about sleeping with

older children in a non-sexual way, causing such public distaste, many families do not admit to

anyone outside their close family relatives that they sleep with their children, again, in a caring,

non-sexual way. The fear of being investigated by child welfare authorities is the biggest barrier

against discussing this practice. So the practice occurs quite often, but is not openly admitted. As

a society, we accept family bedrooms for motels rooms, visiting at relatives, camping and

vacations, but not for everyday use in a society that values independence at all cost. Still, parents

persist. “We co-sleep because it's a cultural choice. My husband is Vietnamese and I am Canadian

and we have decided that it's what works best for our family. Back in Vietnam my husband`s

sisters still sleep with their mother and my husbands’ brother and father also share a room. The

younger ones are all in their 20`s and it is not illegal or abnormal or culturally odd like it is here,”

says *Cheryl, mom of two children.



How does a family bedroom work? Two hundred years ago, before the invention of central

heating, most of the family slept in the same room if not the same beds. Fast forward to the

twenty first century, where bedrooms now have the square footage size of the average 1950’s

house, the family bedroom can easily accommodate two king-size mattresses on the floor or

several beds in the same room.



Not everyone agrees with the concept of a family sharing sleep in the same room. Barbara Evans,

a parent educator from Beaumont, Texas, worries about the parent’s need for privacy and

intimacy. “My concerns are that as parents, our job is to raise healthy, loving and lovable,

independent (heavy on the independent) children. Not to the exclusion of depriving them of

nurturing and cuddling, but this may be the first place to start learning about boundaries and selfcare.”



Why do families choose a family bedroom? No separation anxiety issues and no bedtime battles is

the biggest reason. For an increasingly separated family where both parents might work in paid

work all day and children are away at school, it is comforting and enjoyable to cuddle together at

the end of a busy day. “The best thing about having the kids there with us is the emotional bond

we have with them. We love the time upstairs to talk in bed, read, write or just watch T.V.

together. There's no separation between us and we don't send our kids away at night to be alone

unless they want to.” says *Ally, mom of three children, ages 9, 10, and 12. They have a big

master bed for the parents and two mattresses on the floor on either side of the master bed for the

children.



What age should family bedrooms stop? Children naturally develop the desire for more privacy

at puberty and tend to want their own room and sleeping space by the age of 12 or 13. This

occurs naturally whether they sleep alone, or share a bedroom with siblings or with parents.



Most experts agree that the rules are simple. Generally, all members of the family must wear

night clothes. Whoever doesn’t like the arrangement and says “no” should have their wishes

honoured whether they are the parent or the child. The parents might enjoy the closeness, but if

the 8-year-old wants his own room, that should be respected. And of course, couple sexual

intimacy must take place in another room.



Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau once said, “The government has no

business in the bedrooms of the nation.” And for many families, that rings truer than ever.



Family Bedroom Pointers



1. Parental sexual relations must take place in a private room away from the eyes and the

ears of the children.

2. Whoever says “no” rules. This must work for everyone

3. When children hit puberty, their natural desire for more privacy will take over and the

concept of the family bedrooms should be reviewed by the family.



*Names changed upon request.



Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher

Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling

book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible

children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery and the new DVD,

Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the digital generation for health, safety and

love as well as the new book, The Last Word on Parenting Advice

www.professionalparenting.ca, jarnall@shaw.ca, 403-714-6766

Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in

whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety

123 Time-Out - Know the Risks!

123 Time-Out Advantages and Disadvantages


By Judy Arnall



Time-out seems to be a popular discipline/punishment method. Parents need to be aware that it has risks for their child and their relationship. Although many parents claim it has “worked” they often mean that it has worked to gain compliance in the short-run. Long-run effects of this method, on the child and the parent-child relationship are listed under the disadvantages. What can parents do instead? There are many methods to getting children to calm down. Try Time-In instead. In Time-in, the parent assists the child in regaining self-control. They coach the child how to deep breathe, how to stop and take a minute to channel feelings at an object, or redirect their anger and frustration with physical outlets. Breathing, touch, hugs, soft words, and rocking will all help a child finish crying and be “ready” to listen – to teaching, comforting, encouragement and kind words of direction in what to do instead next time. With many repetitions, children soon learn that taking a time-out from the source of annoyance is a good coping strategy, rather than a punishment, and will repeat it themselves on their own.

Advantages of using Time-Out

• Puts limits on behaviours.

• Invites little adult emotion.

• Increases consistency.

• Simple to do.

• Helps parents to calm themselves down.

• Better than spanking and hitting.

• Transferable among care-givers.

• Developed for children with ADD.

• Sometimes attains “short-run” goals of stopping misbehaviour.

Disadvantages of Using Time-Out

• Promises “magic” and speed, which can be an unrealistic goal in parenting.

• Fails to address long-run goals of the child developing belonging and attachment with family.

• Teaches that time-out is a negative punishment rather than a positive life skill.

• Invites power struggles in keeping a child constrained in time-out.

• Encourages submission to a bigger-sized person.

• Fails to teach problem-solving and co-operation skills.

• Can incite anger, frustration, and resentment in the child.

• Can promote rebellion, retaliation, and getting-even behaviours from the child.

• Can increase sibling animosity when used to curb sibling conflict.

• Ignores the child’s feelings that led to the misbehaviour.

• Is a barrier to parent-child communication.

• Fails to recognize that each child is unique.

• Fails to teach internal controls and self-discipline.

• Fails to teach conflict resolution and thinking skills.

• Fails to teach how to make amends or restitution in solving the problem.

• Fails to teach the child how to self-calm when the child is in a high emotional state.

• Isolates the child, rather than promote connection between the child and the“conflict” person.

• Not “mutually respectful”. Adults do not want to be treated in the same way. In real life, if someone is bothering an adult, they can’t move the person to time-out. They have to take the time-out themselves.

• Gives negative attention to the misbehaviour, which may often increase misbehaviour in attention-seeking children.

• Difficult for extroverts who need to “talk through high emotional states.”

• Label’s the child with unhealthy self-esteem. “The naughty child goes to the naughty step”.

• Increases original and repeat behaviours because the child’s underlying needs or feelings are not addressed.

• Children do not have reflective skills until age seven to understand their role in the preceding behaviour.

• Children often do not know or understand why they are in time-out.

• Often used to help the parent calm down rather than for child’s needs.

• Models power over, not peace with.



Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery and the new DVD, Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the digital generation for health, safety and love as well as the new book, The Last Word on Parenting Advice www.professionalparenting.ca, jarnall@shaw.ca, 403-714-6766



Copyright permission to reproduce this article is granted if byline left in its entirety. www.professionalparenting.ca

Teen Attitude and Backtalk: Translation

What is Your Child Really Saying?


Translating “attitude”



Attitude is sarcastic anger. Sometimes, it’s a snarky I-statement or You-statement. If you look underneath, often, it’s a sign that your child is ready for more independence and feels thwarted in some way. Does she have reasonable choices? Can you give her more ability to make decisions? Or does she feel that she never has control over anything? Children want their needs and wants taken care of, just like adults do.



When looking at sass from your child, try to identify what they are really trying to communicate based on their need or feeling (NOF), stripped of the sarcasm, and then feed it back to them. “You are upset because I’m interrupting your game?” Share your feelings. “When I hear your tone, I feel disrespected. I would like to talk about this. Can we try this again? Here is how you can say what you are feeling. Instead of saying, ‘Whatevah!’ say ‘I’m feeling nagged. Please leave me alone.’ Then I will really hear you. Can you try that please?” Sometimes, you really have to give them the exact words to use, or they don’t know the respectful way to assert their needs. It’s a critical life skill to speak up respectfully so people can know what’s bothering you but still not feel attacked. Or you could gently say, “Do you want a moment to rephrase that?” You could use humor in your response. You could also just walk away and your body language will reveal you don’t want to be spoken to that way. Responding with anger or sarcasm doesn’t teach them anything other than its okay for them to continue that way.



Be sure to model assertive politeness instead of “attitude” yourself. It’s a hard trap to not fall into especially when family sarcasm is portrayed all over the media as cool and desirable. It’s a false representation. If you said, “whatever” to your boss when she asked you why your project was late, I would bet that she wouldn’t laugh. You are the perfect person to teach your children the assertiveness skills they need in life. Start at home!





Attitude Statements Your Child Might Use
You’re not my boss

I hate you

I’m not your slave

I’ll do what I want

You don’t love me

You don’t understand

It’s not fair

This is dumb

I can’t do it

I have rights!

Fine!

Whatever!

I don’t care

Persuasive Statements that Adults Listen To
I’d like a choice

I didn’t like what you said

That doesn’t seem fair

I need to try

I need attention

Please listen to my opinion

I feel capable and responsible

I feel scared, worried, about failing

I don’t know how

Please help me

Please let me have a choice

I’m feeling pushed

I’m scared

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery and the new DVD, Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the digital generation for health, safety and love as well as the new book, The Last Word on Parenting Advice. She also teaches parenting at The University of Calgary, Alberta Health Services, and is an advice expert for Mothering.com, Today’s Parent magazine, Postmedia news, The Globe and Mail, Global TV and CTV. www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca