parentingspeaker

Co-Sleeping with School-Aged Children

2011-10-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

Family Bedrooms Still Popular Even with School-aged

Children

By Judy Arnall

“But Mom! You don’t have to sleep alone!” Kyle protests to his mom when she suggests that he

might want to sleep in his own room. Family bedrooms are increasingly becoming common in

North America thanks to the attachment parenting movement that recognizes that babies and

toddlers are not developmentally ready to sleep on their own for the first few years of life.

However, Kyle is seven years old, not two. The prevalence of family bedrooms among families

with school-aged children has not been studied, let alone talked about openly in our society yet,

but the trend is growing.

Many children, especially those that don’t have siblings to snuggle in with, continue to sleep in

the same family bedroom as their parents, well into the school-aged years. Because of high

profile cases such as the late Michael Jackson issue where he openly talked about sleeping with

older children in a non-sexual way, causing such public distaste, many families do not admit to

anyone outside their close family relatives that they sleep with their children, again, in a caring,

non-sexual way. The fear of being investigated by child welfare authorities is the biggest barrier

against discussing this practice. So the practice occurs quite often, but is not openly admitted. As

a society, we accept family bedrooms for motels rooms, visiting at relatives, camping and

vacations, but not for everyday use in a society that values independence at all cost. Still, parents

persist. “We co-sleep because it's a cultural choice. My husband is Vietnamese and I am Canadian

and we have decided that it's what works best for our family. Back in Vietnam my husband`s

sisters still sleep with their mother and my husbands’ brother and father also share a room. The

younger ones are all in their 20`s and it is not illegal or abnormal or culturally odd like it is here,”

says *Cheryl, mom of two children.

How does a family bedroom work? Two hundred years ago, before the invention of central

heating, most of the family slept in the same room if not the same beds. Fast forward to the

twenty first century, where bedrooms now have the square footage size of the average 1950’s

house, the family bedroom can easily accommodate two king-size mattresses on the floor or

several beds in the same room.

Not everyone agrees with the concept of a family sharing sleep in the same room. Barbara Evans,

a parent educator from Beaumont, Texas, worries about the parent’s need for privacy and

intimacy. “My concerns are that as parents, our job is to raise healthy, loving and lovable,

independent (heavy on the independent) children. Not to the exclusion of depriving them of

nurturing and cuddling, but this may be the first place to start learning about boundaries and selfcare.”

Why do families choose a family bedroom? No separation anxiety issues and no bedtime battles is

the biggest reason. For an increasingly separated family where both parents might work in paid

work all day and children are away at school, it is comforting and enjoyable to cuddle together at

the end of a busy day. “The best thing about having the kids there with us is the emotional bond

we have with them. We love the time upstairs to talk in bed, read, write or just watch T.V.

together. There's no separation between us and we don't send our kids away at night to be alone

unless they want to.” says *Ally, mom of three children, ages 9, 10, and 12. They have a big

master bed for the parents and two mattresses on the floor on either side of the master bed for the

children.

What age should family bedrooms stop? Children naturally develop the desire for more privacy

at puberty and tend to want their own room and sleeping space by the age of 12 or 13. This

occurs naturally whether they sleep alone, or share a bedroom with siblings or with parents.

Most experts agree that the rules are simple. Generally, all members of the family must wear

night clothes. Whoever doesn’t like the arrangement and says “no” should have their wishes

honoured whether they are the parent or the child. The parents might enjoy the closeness, but if

the 8-year-old wants his own room, that should be respected. And of course, couple sexual

intimacy must take place in another room.

Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau once said, “The government has no

business in the bedrooms of the nation.” And for many families, that rings truer than ever.

Family Bedroom Pointers

1. Parental sexual relations must take place in a private room away from the eyes and the

ears of the children.

2. Whoever says “no” rules. This must work for everyone

3. When children hit puberty, their natural desire for more privacy will take over and the

concept of the family bedrooms should be reviewed by the family.

*Names changed upon request.

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher

Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling

book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible

children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery and the new DVD,

Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the digital generation for health, safety and

love as well as the new book, The Last Word on Parenting Advice

www.professionalparenting.ca, jarnall@shaw.ca, 403-714-6766

Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in

whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety

123 Time-Out - Know the Risks!

2011-10-26T09:43:00.001-07:00

123 Time-Out Advantages and Disadvantages

By Judy Arnall

Time-out seems to be a popular discipline/punishment method. Parents need to be aware that it has risks for their child and their relationship. Although many parents claim it has “worked” they often mean that it has worked to gain compliance in the short-run. Long-run effects of this method, on the child and the parent-child relationship are listed under the disadvantages. What can parents do instead? There are many methods to getting children to calm down. Try Time-In instead. In Time-in, the parent assists the child in regaining self-control. They coach the child how to deep breathe, how to stop and take a minute to channel feelings at an object, or redirect their anger and frustration with physical outlets. Breathing, touch, hugs, soft words, and rocking will all help a child finish crying and be “ready” to listen – to teaching, comforting, encouragement and kind words of direction in what to do instead next time. With many repetitions, children soon learn that taking a time-out from the source of annoyance is a good coping strategy, rather than a punishment, and will repeat it themselves on their own.

Advantages of using Time-Out

• Puts limits on behaviours.

• Invites little adult emotion.

• Increases consistency.

• Simple to do.

• Helps parents to calm themselves down.

• Better than spanking and hitting.

• Transferable among care-givers.

• Developed for children with ADD.

• Sometimes attains “short-run” goals of stopping misbehaviour.

Disadvantages of Using Time-Out

• Promises “magic” and speed, which can be an unrealistic goal in parenting.

• Fails to address long-run goals of the child developing belonging and attachment with family.

• Teaches that time-out is a negative punishment rather than a positive life skill.

• Invites power struggles in keeping a child constrained in time-out.

• Encourages submission to a bigger-sized person.

• Fails to teach problem-solving and co-operation skills.

• Can incite anger, frustration, and resentment in the child.

• Can promote rebellion, retaliation, and getting-even behaviours from the child.

• Can increase sibling animosity when used to curb sibling conflict.

• Ignores the child’s feelings that led to the misbehaviour.

• Is a barrier to parent-child communication.

• Fails to recognize that each child is unique.

• Fails to teach internal controls and self-discipline.

• Fails to teach conflict resolution and thinking skills.

• Fails to teach how to make amends or restitution in solving the problem.

• Fails to teach the child how to self-calm when the child is in a high emotional state.

• Isolates the child, rather than promote connection between the child and the“conflict” person.

• Not “mutually respectful”. Adults do not want to be treated in the same way. In real life, if someone is bothering an adult, they can’t move the person to time-out. They have to take the time-out themselves.

• Gives negative attention to the misbehaviour, which may often increase misbehaviour in attention-seeking children.

• Difficult for extroverts who need to “talk through high emotional states.”

• Label’s the child with unhealthy self-esteem. “The naughty child goes to the naughty step”.

• Increases original and repeat behaviours because the child’s underlying needs or feelings are not addressed.

• Children do not have reflective skills until age seven to understand their role in the preceding behaviour.

• Children often do not know or understand why they are in time-out.

• Often used to help the parent calm down rather than for child’s needs.

• Models power over, not peace with.

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery and the new DVD, Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the digital generation for health, safety and love as well as the new book, The Last Word on Parenting Advice www.professionalparenting.ca, jarnall@shaw.ca, 403-714-6766

Copyright permission to reproduce this article is granted if byline left in its entirety. www.professionalparenting.ca

Teen Attitude and Backtalk: Translation

2011-10-26T09:32:00.000-07:00

What is Your Child Really Saying?

Translating “attitude”

Attitude is sarcastic anger. Sometimes, it’s a snarky I-statement or You-statement. If you look underneath, often, it’s a sign that your child is ready for more independence and feels thwarted in some way. Does she have reasonable choices? Can you give her more ability to make decisions? Or does she feel that she never has control over anything? Children want their needs and wants taken care of, just like adults do.

When looking at sass from your child, try to identify what they are really trying to communicate based on their need or feeling (NOF), stripped of the sarcasm, and then feed it back to them. “You are upset because I’m interrupting your game?” Share your feelings. “When I hear your tone, I feel disrespected. I would like to talk about this. Can we try this again? Here is how you can say what you are feeling. Instead of saying, ‘Whatevah!’ say ‘I’m feeling nagged. Please leave me alone.’ Then I will really hear you. Can you try that please?” Sometimes, you really have to give them the exact words to use, or they don’t know the respectful way to assert their needs. It’s a critical life skill to speak up respectfully so people can know what’s bothering you but still not feel attacked. Or you could gently say, “Do you want a moment to rephrase that?” You could use humor in your response. You could also just walk away and your body language will reveal you don’t want to be spoken to that way. Responding with anger or sarcasm doesn’t teach them anything other than its okay for them to continue that way.

Be sure to model assertive politeness instead of “attitude” yourself. It’s a hard trap to not fall into especially when family sarcasm is portrayed all over the media as cool and desirable. It’s a false representation. If you said, “whatever” to your boss when she asked you why your project was late, I would bet that she wouldn’t laugh. You are the perfect person to teach your children the assertiveness skills they need in life. Start at home!

Attitude Statements Your Child Might Use
You’re not my boss

I hate you

I’m not your slave

I’ll do what I want

You don’t love me

You don’t understand

It’s not fair

This is dumb

I can’t do it

I have rights!

Fine!

Whatever!

I don’t care

Persuasive Statements that Adults Listen To
I’d like a choice

I didn’t like what you said

That doesn’t seem fair

I need to try

I need attention

Please listen to my opinion

I feel capable and responsible

I feel scared, worried, about failing

I don’t know how

Please help me

Please let me have a choice

I’m feeling pushed

I’m scared

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery and the new DVD, Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the digital generation for health, safety and love as well as the new book, The Last Word on Parenting Advice. She also teaches parenting at The University of Calgary, Alberta Health Services, and is an advice expert for Mothering.com, Today’s Parent magazine, Postmedia news, The Globe and Mail, Global TV and CTV. www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca

Top Ten Phrases to Instantly Be a Better Parent

2011-10-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

Many times as parents, we blurt out sayings that we heard as children and later vowed to never say to our own children. However, that is easier said than done. In times of stress, we revert very easily back to actions and phrases we heard and seen when we were parented.

Parenting skills are learned skills, and we can consciously effect change if we become aware of what needs to be changed. Here are 10 common parenting phrases and alternatives of “what to say instead” to nurture closer, caring, and more respectful relationships with our children.

INSTEAD OF:                          TRY:

You are a bad boy!                  What did you learn from this?

Hurry Up! We are late!             It’s okay. Take the time you need.

Oh NO! Fudge! Look at

what you have done!                 It really won’t matter five years from now!

You need to…                         I need you to…

Because I said so!                    I’ll explain my reasoning in five minutes.

Stop that tantrum right now!       You feel frustrated. Want a hug?

No!                                          I can see you really want it.

You’ve wrecked my….             I’m really angry. I need to take a time-out.

Stop doing that!                        Would you consider this?

Suck it up and stop crying.         It’s okay to cry and feel your feelings.

Go play and leave me alone.        I love you!

Try any one of these substitutions today and you will see how much better your parent-child relationship will be. If you are not sure what to say and how to say it, especially in the moment, just offer a hug. You will be surprised how much body language can communicate empathy and affection, and then you can get on with solving the problem with your child.

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling book, “Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery” and the new DVD, “Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the Digital Generation for Health, Safety and Love,” and the new book, “The Last Word on Parenting Advice.” www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca

Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety.

Keeping Kids Busy During Wait Times Without Electronics: Building Brains Without Bringing Batteries!

2011-06-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

Building Kids’ Brains during Wait Times
(without electronic games!)
by Judy Arnall

Are you worried about your children’s bent necks and poor posture? Do their batteries run out at the wrong time? Concerned that your toddler might drop your iphone? You don’t have to rely on cell-phone applications, portable handheld gaming devices/media players and other electronic devices to occupy your kids during waiting times.

These constructive ideas will stimulate imagination, creativity, intellect, problem solving and social skills. Best of all, they don’t require cables or batteries, can be taken anywhere and will amuse toddlers to teens.

The lot of these items should fit in a small 9X12 inch container, such as a rectangular plastic box with a snap lid, a backpack or even a laptop side pocket or briefcase for ease of carrying to restaurants, doctors’ offices or airports.

The Busy Brain Kit for all Ages

1. Pipe-cleaners These versatile little wires can be molded into cars, people and many other items for make-believe play.
2. Playdough Keep moist in a plastic Ziploc bag. Kids can make 3D sculptures for toys. With a digital camera, teens can make animated figure movies. Pass the cheese, Gromit!
3. Masking tape or cellotape
4. Scissors
5. Small whiteboard and dry-erase markers, with a cloth for erasing. Endless opportunities to make signs, keep game scores, or play picture games.
6. Colouring markers My kids used to colour the doctor’s waiting room bed-covering paper!
7. Pens and Pencils Play hangman or other words games. Write in a journal or just draw!
8. Plain paper for drawing houses and scenes, or constructing cars, buildings, items and people, to be coloured, cut out and assembled with tape and scissors.
9. Deck of cards Great for teens to play Cheat, Snap, Spoons, Blackjack, Uno and many other games.
10. Dice for playing addition, multiplication, and chance challenges. Dice also work with homemade board games created from above items.
The play value in this box of items will last a long time, especially if you only keep it for on-the-go errands. In the rare event that your child might get bored, you could also bring a book, and read to your child. Encourage your school-ager or teen to bring along a book too.

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting and Teacher Conference Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery and the new DVD, Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the digital generation for health, safety and love as well as the new book, The Last Word on Parenting Advice www.professionalparenting.ca, jarnall@shaw.ca, 403-714-6766

Copyright permission to reproduce this article is granted if byline left in its entirety. www.professionalparenting.ca

Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery

2010-12-29T13:54:00.000-08:00

Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery

Discipline that you and your child will feel good about!

Now an International Bestseller!

At last, a positive discipline book that is chock-full of practical tips, strategies, skills, and ideas for parents of babies through teenagers, and tells you EXACTLY what to do “in the moment” for every type of behavior, from whining to web surfing.

Parents and children today face very different challenges from those faced by the previous generation. Today’s children play not only in the sandbox down the street, but also in the World Wide Web, which is too big and complex for parents to control and supervise. As young as age four, your children can contact the world, and the world can contact them. A strong bond between you and your child is critical in order for your child to regard you as their trusted advisor. Traditional discipline methods, no longer work with today’s children and they destroy your ability to influence your increasingly vulnerable children who need you as their lifeline! You need new discipline tools!

Help your child gain:

• Strong communication skills for school, career, and relationship success.
• Healthy self-esteem, confidence, and greater emotional intelligence.
• Assertiveness, empathy, problem solving, and anger-management skills.
• A respectful, loving connection with you!

You will gain:

• An end to resentment, frustration, anger, tears, and defiance in your parent-child relationship.
• Tools to respectfully handle most modern challenging parenting situations, including biting, hitting, tantrums, bedtimes, picky eating, chores, homework, sibling wars, smoking, “attitude,” and video/computer games.
• Help for controlling your anger “in the moment” during those trying times.
• A loving, respectful, teaching and fun connection with your child!

“Offers a wealth of ideas and suggestions for raising children without the use of punishment of any kind.” Linda Adams, President and CEO of Gordon Training International

Available at:
Amazon.com
Amazon.ca
ChaptersIndigo
Professional Parenting
Barnes and Noble

Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the Digital Generation for

2010-12-29T11:25:00.000-08:00

Plugged-In Parenting: Connecting with the Digital Generation for Health, Safety and Love

Are you too busy to read? This DVD is for you! PLUGGED-IN PARENTING offers two hours of tips, ideas and non-punitive strategies for parenting digital children from babies to teenagers, in every aspect of digital intelligence including cybersafety, netiquette, cyberbullying, social media guidelines, health promotion and even the academic benefits of computer and video-gaming. You will appreciate the valuable parenting demonstrations that show how to keep kids connected to you while you set healthy limits on video/computer games, social media and cellphones. This DVD is ideal for busy parents and caregivers who want accurate researched information but have little time to read books. Keep your digital children safe, healthy and happy, without losing your vital relationship connection!

Authored by Judy Arnall, the bestselling author of "Discipline Without Distress: 135 Tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery."

Available at Chapters.Indigo
and Amazon.com and Amazon.ca

Amazon.com
Amazon.ca
Professional Parenting

How to Take a Parent Time-Out with Small Children Underfoot

2010-11-13T19:02:00.001-08:00

How to Take a Parent Time-Out with Small
Children Underfoot

One of the very best parenting tools is the Parent Time-Out. When parents are feeling
upset, angry, or frustrated over a parenting issue, or over their children’s behaviour, it
can help to diffuse the situation if the parent removes themselves to get calm and
centered, rather then force the isolation of their child into a Child Time-Out. After the
parent is calm, they are in a much better frame of mind to deal with the issue at hand
and they’ve avoided saying and doing things they might regret later. Sometimes, with
young children, this is easier said than done!

Many parents object to the parent time out because they complain that their toddlers and preschool children just follow them around the house, screaming, whining and crying.

How True!

Here are some tips to Mentally Time-Out when you can’t physically time yourself out:

Throw a CD on the stereo and dance hard!
Use an IPOD or MP3 player filled with your favorite songs to distract you.
Have earplugs everywhere. In the car, kitchen, purse, and bathroom. They take the edge off a child’s screaming that can damage your ears.
Lock yourself in the bathroom. Tell the children that you love them, and Mommy/Daddy is feeling angry, and needs to take a time-out for herself or himself. Turn on the fan or shower so you can’t hear the children, and breathe slowly. Visualize yourself in a calm place.
Do the Hokey-Pokey, and shake it out! Smile and make a funny noise and you will all be laughing.
Phone a friend to have a brief conversation. Tell her how you feel. Call from the closet or a bathroom if you have to.
Distract yourself with a magazine.
Drop everything, dress your children and yourself for the weather, and put them in the stroller. Go for a brief walk outside. Exercise, fresh air, peace and quiet! Children will be distracted by the sights and sounds and you can think out your anger in peace.
Put a children’s DVD or Mom’s movie on the player. It will either distract you or your child, and will give both of you time to calm down.
If you are in the car, pull over to a parking lot or some other safe place. Get out of the car, leave the children in there, and walk around the car 20 times. Cry, deep breathe, vent or stomp. Get back in the car when you have calmed down.
Imagine a soundproof, gentle, clear shell around yourself to protect you from screaming children.
Sit on the porch, find a closet, basement, or somewhere you can be alone. Make sure the children are in a safe place.
Tell your child that you both need a group hug. It can be very hard to hug someone that you feel angry with, but the touch is soothing and helps to heal the anger. It works well for some people.
Use “Self-Talk” Say over and over to yourself, “My child is not trying to bug me right now. She is only coping with her strong feelings in the only way she knows how. “But me first.”
Remember the phrase: “Get myself calm, Get my child calm, and then solve the problem.”

What skills do you use to calm down in situations other then parenting? Use some of those strategies if you can. Just as the oxygen masks in airplanes are meant to be used on adults first, so they can be in a position to help the children, you must take care of your needs first when you are angry. The bonus gift is that you are truly modeling for your child, how to take a calming time-out when situations become
overwhelming. Modeling by example, instead of forcing them in time-out, is the best way for children to learn self-calming tools.

FOR YOUR CHILDREN’S SAKE, TAKE A BREAK!

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting Speaker, and
Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling, “Discipline Without
Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out,
spanking, punishment or bribery” and a new DVD called “Plugged-In Parenting:
Connecting with the Digital Generation for Health, Safety and Love.”
www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca
Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety

Child Proofing for Older Children Cuts Down Battles

2010-10-08T18:23:00.000-07:00

CHILDPROOFING –It’s not just for toddlers!

By Judy Arnall

Two-year-old Kelsey is reaching for the wine glass on the coffee table at a baby shower. Her mom is constantly on guard, trying to move the guests’ purses, glasses and food plates out of the way so Kelsey doesn’t grab them. Kelsey’s mom is using a discipline technique called childproofing.Although childproofing is the number one recommended discipline tools for parents of children ages crawling to four, it is also a very handy tool for parenting older children that are school-aged or teenagers. It’s the same technique, but called “Change the Environment” rather than childproofing. In fact, many arguments have been avoided by using the “changing the environment” tool for partners too! Here are some ways to change the environment to gain more co-operative behaviour from school-aged and teen children.

Add to the Environment

Enrich – make things more stimulating. Add toys, games, movies, food, and activities to occupy bored children. Children who are engaged in a fun activity have their needs met and are less likely to fight or engage in risky behavior if they are busy. Examples of this are: having games available for a long car ride; having lots of physical recess breaks(five a day) for school children; and having movies for teens to watch while parents are visiting.

Enlarge – add space. Take the children out to the park, zoo, ball field, movie, or playground. Make an enclosed backyard. Add space to a teen’s bedroom by moving out furniture. Arrange a dedicated play space in the house or certain rooms.

Subtract from the Environment

Reduce – take away stimulation and enticing situations. Reduce light and turn off the stimulating TV, computer games or ipod if you want them to relax and sleep at bedtime. Put away art materials and markers if the child doesn’t clean up the mess. Only bring them out when you have time to supervise a cleanup. Have a video game shut down at least an hour away from bedtime to allow your child time to unwind from the action. Put away anything you don’t want to capture their attention if you want to get them out of the house. Don’t bring up tense topics or deliver your “No” verdict on a request as you and the child are running out the door. Avoid starting a long movie when there is only a half hour until bedtime or the time to leave the house.

Restrict – put limits on activities or areas. Avoid ball throwing, and chase games in the house, but direct to the yard or basement. Allow eating only at the kitchen table to reduce food encrusted plates shoved under the family room sofa or piling up next to the computer. Have designated places for water gun fights, craft materials, drum and band practice etc. Also putting pets away in back rooms before playmates or younger guests come over prevents damage to pets from young children’s rough handling. Avoid competitive games such as computer and board games that can cause fights. Pack them away for a few years until children can developmentally handle losing better. Avoid play places if they get frustrated and hit other children. Avoid shopping if you know your child can’t understand why he can’t have treats from the checkout. Avoid busy places,amusement parks, and indoor arcade places if your child can’t handle the restrictions and your limits on money, tokens etc. Keep in mind that you are not avoiding these places and activities forever. Your child’s development changes monthly and their ability to handle limits and frustration will improve.

Change things around

Simplify – make it easier for the child to do things himself. Put buckets and totes at easy access for storage of toys. Hang coat hooks at child level. Have designated places for backpacks and charging ipods and cellphones, preferably by the door so that it’s easier for the child to remember them the next day. Put dishes and lunch fixings in easy to reach and access places. Remove most toys and pack away in buckets that you can pull out and rotate for renewed interest. Have step stools in the kitchen and bathroom handy for young school-aged children. Have a basket for mitts, hats, and socks for each child, again, preferably by the door to catch those pesky socks that children remove as soon as they come in the house. Clip hair or nails while they are playing in the bath or sleeping. Buy socks all one color. Color code children’s belongings. Have a central basket for only library books and insist that library books never get shelved or they get lost in the house books.

Rearrange – arrange things to encourage or discourage behavior. Have a system for daily tasks such as feeding pets, taking phone messages, emptying the dishwasher. Have a system for handling school paperwork and information flow such as school notices, and letters that go back and forth from school to home. Have designated water glasses for each child. Put door guards on doors to prevent slamming door gouges in the walls. Move gaming consoles or drum sets to the garage or far away rooms to cut down on noise. Provide head phones for blocking offensive computer game language that younger children may hear.

Other common problem areas that can addressed this way are:

Pet care, household chores, noise, toys/play areas, kitchen/food/playtimes, T.V/computer/video use, dirty clothes/laundry, homework, bathroom use, telephone,breaking/damaging, weekends, bedtime/getting up, privacy/property, sharing tools/equipment and many more areas of conflict.

A common question posed in classes is, “Why do I have to try so hard to change the environment when sometimes kids just have to listen to my authority?” Of course there are times that kids just have to do as you tell them. But it’s more likely to get a good cooperative response when parents are not constantly nagging about daily situations.

Anticipating problems and planning ahead to avoid them just makes good relationship
sense. Try and ponder how changing the environment could solve a behavior problem.
Remember that changing the environment is always easier than trying to change another
person.

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting Speaker, and
Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling, “Discipline Without
Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out,
spanking, punishment or bribery” She specializes in “Parenting the Digital
Generation” www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca
Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in whole or part,if the above credit is included in its entirety. Length may be edited for space

Homeschooling - How to Get Children to Do Their Work

2010-09-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

“Help! My Child won’t do Homeschooling work!”

Suggestion and Ideas for Getting More Co-operation and Less Power Struggles

• Give choices in subject matter, time, or place of study. E.g. Would the child like to do Math or English today? When is their best, most alert time of day? Would they like to study in their rooms, outside, or on the couch?

• Alternate bookwork days with outing days. Consider helping the child learn in a different way with an outing or field trip instead of researching books.

• Consider giving tests first and if the concepts are mastered, eliminate the text material. Cuts down on boredom and busywork.

• Present the material in a fun way and geared to child’s learning style. Use learning aids such as movies, cookie fractions, board and action games such as multiplication tag. Children in elementary school love to learn through play.

• Follow interests as much as possible, if not in format, then in content. For example, if the child has to write essay or book report, perhaps he could choose the topic or book.

• Use rewards if they work for your child. Stickers, Passes for fun outings and computer time are some choices from parents. Have a jar of 200 dimes (one for each school day). Any day the child doesn’t whine about doing schoolwork, put in one dime. The child can keep the money at the end of the year.

• Avoid power struggles. Put your relationship building first. Try and approach learning another way. Listen to why your child doesn’t want to do the work.

• For those hesitant writers, try being the scribe while the child dictates ideas. Or try letting them write on the computer, which is easier on little hands. Remember that in school, children are taught to read and write early because most curriculums is delivered that way for mass distribution. At home, you have the time and resources to deliver the knowledge in other formats, so you can wait until the child is developmentally ready to use their fine motor skills.

• For those hesitant readers, try picking up an enticing children’s book and reading out loud. Your child might come join you if it’s not forced. Model reading yourself. Cuddle on the couch with a child and make reading a fun, cozy, exciting time. Use vocal variety and stop when the child is not longer interested.

• Keep a routine going when you figure out the best time of day for bookwork. This has to work for you and your child. Not all children are “morning people”. Be kind but firm in sticking to a routine. Children need some structure.

• Have a written contract each week, month or year that is signed and agreed to by the parent and child, about what work must be completed for that time period.

• Work with the child that is most interested in the topic (such as History or Science). Other siblings will join willingly if they are interested. If they are not, wait awhile. If the topic is forced, the retention of knowledge will be minimal. They may be more interested in a few months or years. Children often learn better by discovery than by being told.

• Some months are better than others. Children go through spurts and plateaus and most do not learn in tidy sequential steps. During a plateau, trust that the desire and motivation will come back.

• Assimilation of material takes time. Plan for playtime, down time and many breaks (minutes, days, weeks and even months).

• Create a learning environment of fun, curiosity and good feelings. Make sure everyone is fed, rested, comfortable and non-stressed!

• Never punish for not doing the work. You want to create a climate for lifelong learning and enjoyment of the pursuit of knowledge. Remember, your job is to facilitate learning. Nudge, but don’t force!

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling, “Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery” She specializes in “Parenting the Digital Generation” www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca

Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety.

How to Get Kids to Do Their Homework

2010-09-09T14:00:00.000-07:00

“Help! My Child won’t do Their Homework!”

Suggestion and Ideas for Getting More Co-operation and Less Power Struggles

• Give choices in subject matter, time, or place of study. E.g. Would the child like to do Math or English today? When is their best, most alert time of day? Would they like to study in their rooms, outside, or on the couch?

• Alternate bookwork days with outing days. Consider helping the child learn in a different way with an outing or field trip instead of researching books.

• Consider giving tests first and if the concepts are mastered, eliminate the text material. Cuts down on boredom and busywork. If you know your child knows the material, talk to the teacher and request less homework.

• Present the material in a fun way and geared to child’s learning style. Use learning aids such as movies, cookie fractions, board and action games such as multiplication tag. Children in elementary school love to learn through play.

• Follow interests as much as possible, if not in format, then in content. For example, if the child has to write essay or book report, perhaps he could choose the topic or book.

• Use rewards if they work for your child. Stickers, passes for fun outings and computer time are some choices from parents. Have a jar of 200 dimes (one for each school day). Any day the child does homework, put in one dime. The child can keep the money at the end of the year.

• Avoid power struggles. Put your relationship building first. Try and approach learning another way. Listen to why your child doesn’t want to do the work.

• For those hesitant writers, try being the scribe while the child dictates ideas. Or try letting them write on the computer, which is easier on little hands.

•
• For those hesitant readers, try picking up an enticing children’s book and reading out loud. Your child might come join you if it’s not forced. Model reading yourself. Cuddle on the couch with a child and make reading a fun, cozy, exciting time. Use vocal variety and stop when the child is not longer interested.

• Keep a routine going when you figure out the best time of day for bookwork. This has to work for you and your child. Not all children are “right after school” people”. Be kind but firm in sticking to a routine. Children need some structure.

• Have a written contract each week, month or year that is signed and agreed to by the parent and child, about what work must be completed for that time period.

• Children often learn better by discovery than by being told. Lead them to an experiential activity that would reinforce concepts.

• Some months are better than others. Children go through spurts and plateaus and most do not learn in tidy sequential steps. During a plateau, trust that the desire and motivation will come back.

• Assimilation of material takes time. Plan for playtime, down time and many breaks (minutes, days, weeks and even months).

• Create a learning environment of fun, curiosity and good feelings. Make sure everyone is fed, rested, comfortable and non-stressed!

• Never punish for not doing the work. You want to create a climate for lifelong learning and enjoyment of the pursuit of knowledge. Remember, your job is to facilitate learning. Nudge, but don’t force!

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling, “Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery” She specializes in “Parenting the Digital Generation” www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca

Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety.

How to Say No to Homework - "Opt out of homework" Letter to School

2010-09-09T13:51:00.000-07:00

Many parents hate homework, but don't know how to approach the school. Here is a template of a letter that parents can use to send to school before the first fall parent-teacher interviews. It's a starting point for discussion.

LETTER TO SCHOOL FOR OPTING OUT OF HOMEWORK

Fall 20__

Dear Teacher

Thank you for teaching our child this year. We as a family strive to live a balanced life that includes a variety of activities. Those activities include volunteering in the community, family social time, rituals and celebrations, part-time jobs, music and art lessons, sports, fellowship clubs, church and much-needed downtime. We value those activities as much as learning academic subjects in school.

In order to make time for these activities; we need to establish boundaries that provide a fair division between school instructional time and homework that encroaches upon outside-school time. Therefore, our family homework policy is as follows:

_________(Your Family Name Here) Family Homework Policy:
The school assignments that are not given adequate instructional class time to complete in school hours, will not be completed at home.

We expect our children to give their best effort and concentration in the ___ hours of instructional class time that the government legislates and the school provides in order for our children to complete the required credits and marks. They can also use any school spares they have to complete school work between the hours of 9:00am and 3:30pm. I expect the school to provide adequate time and instruction in class for the student to complete the government requirements of the entire course.

We expect that our children will not be socially penalized within the classroom for our implementation of the Family Homework Policy, and will not be academically penalized in terms of marks for work that can’t be completed within the allotted school time. The current available research supports our belief that supplemental homework is not required for adequate mastery of the subject matter. We appreciate that you respect our decision on how to spend our time at home as much as we respect your decisions regarding your time/curriculum management at school.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

Your Name

Getting Kids Ready for a New School Year

2010-09-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

Getting Ready for a New School YearBy Judy Arnall

The last days of summer are closing in and thoughts turn to the start of school when that yellow leaves appear on the neighborhood trees. Parents often wonder how to smooth the transition from summer holidays to school. Here are some tips to make a new school year successfully smoother:

1. Don’t shop until the school supply list comes home. It’s tempting to get a heads up on sales and deals, but if you buy the wrong item, your child will refuse to use it.
2. When you shop, buy extras of the sale items. Your child will lose things by Christmas or may want extra supplies for homework tasks at home.
3. Get haircuts done early. Most school photos are taken the first week and you want to avoid that just-cut look.
4. Get the Doctor and Dentist appointments out of the way early.
5. Photos! Don’t forget to measure and weigh your child or take a photo of them next to the same object every year. You forget how quickly they grow.
6. Move back bedtimes. Change the lights out time 15 minutes per night for the two weeks before school.
7. Pack away old school work. Put in boxes and label.
8. New grade. New chores. Celebrate the addition of another year and how capable your child has grown.
9. The day before school officially opens, walk the halls with your child, get their timetable and map out the hallway and bathroom routes.
10. Arrange play dates with new buddies.
11. Draw up a homework contract. Include stipulations that meet both your child’s and your needs and both of you can sign it. Post on the wall for those inevitable whining moments.
12. Separation Anxiety – handover or stay. You must do whatever fits your parenting style. You know your child best.
13. After the initial sales, stock up on extra supplies, which can be marked down 80% by the end of September. Kids lose a lot of things.
14. Clean up rooms at the end of August. Pick up garbage, recycle old books, clothes and toys. Assess whether new furniture needs to be purchased.

Judy Arnall is a Professional international award-winning Parenting Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling, “Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery” She specializes in “Parenting the Digital Generation” www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca

Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety.

Mid-Summer Play Ideas for Bored Children

2010-08-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

*Play Ideas that Encourage Creativity, Imagination, Initiative, and Problem-solving
Toddlers 1-2 years

A big rubber bin filled with puffed wheat, rice, lentils, trucks and cars, measuring spoons and cups makes a great indoor/outdoor sandbox.

Place white paper over coins, or any etched surface and rub with crayons.

Spread sofa cushions over the floor for islands.

Put a plastic swimming pool under a slide.

Make white playdough and roll it out. Give the children markers to draw on the playdough and watch the colors squish into patterns.

Paint the house outside with water filled pails and paintbrushes or sponges. Let children wash the car, bikes, or bike trailer.

Blow bubbles from bubble solution on the kitchen floor. Use the excess soap to mop the floor after.

Use a shaker filled with cornstarch that they can sprinkle it outdoors.

Fill the baby bathtub or bowls with soapy water and pouring cups. Use a small stool as a play table in the bathtub and give them cups to pour from. Be sure to supervise water play.

Get a small trampoline to jump on. Or designate certain sofa cushions for jumping on and fort building.

Fill empty plastic soap/spray containers with colored water to squirt pavement or snow. Give a toddler a clean dustpan for a snow shovel. (Put rubber gloves over a child’s gloves so they won’t get wet when they play outside with wet snow days.)

Preschoolers 3-5 years

Darken the room and hang a sheet with tape across a corner from one wall to the other wall. Shine a flashlight over the sheet. Make shadow puppets out of hands or objects from behind the sheet.

Drape old sheets over the bunk-bed top for a puppet or stuffy theatre show.

Get big boxes from appliance shops for fort making.

Let them paint and decorate it.

Throw an old mattress on the basement floor and let the children jump. Old couch cushions work great for forts and old sheets for roofs, walls, and draping. Tables and chairs would also hold sheets for fort play.

Save junk mail, envelopes and stickers and let the children play post office.

Buy an old turntable at a garage sale. Put paper on the spindle and give markers and crayons for children to draw on while it is spinning.

Use a portable carpenter’s tray to carry markers, scissors, and rulers. Makes for easy cleanup and moving around the house.

Have a dedicated craft table if you have room. Sometimes building projects take more than a few days and will be out of the way.

Paint with toy car tires or anything with texture. Roll a marble or toy car in paint on a cookie sheet tray lined with paper for interesting pictures.

Melt broken crayons into foil lined muffin cups for mosaic crayons.

Pre-hammer some nails into wood scraps and let preschoolers hammer the rest in. They love real tools.

Have a decoy drawer of real, unused, broken items that are old cell phones and keyboards that they can play with.

Draw on an old shower curtain a number of roads, buildings and city features so they can customize a car play mat. Get a basic car track that you put together in a line. Then use pillows to make hills and valleys. See how far the cars will go.

In a bathtub with no water, put your child in naked or with just underpants and add a bowl of chocolate pudding. Allow finger painting on the walls. Just hose down the walls and your child with a little soap afterwards.

For children past the tasting stage, put small amounts of shaving cream in a muffin tin and tint with food color. Allow finger painting on the tub walls.

Spread the sheets out on the floor and have a picnic in the house.

Let the children ride bikes on the concrete basement floor.

Round up old toys and sell on a internet buy-sell site and scoop up real deals on used toys from the same sites. Or scour second hand toy stores for great bargains on “new-to-child” toys.

Have a bedroom dresser with drawers for storage of art materials: old bits of wrapping paper, string, tubes, egg cartons, paints, brushes, magazines, paper scraps. Or have an easy to reach craft box of odds and ends: ribbons, cards, paper, markers, scissors, glue or glue sticks, glitter, paint, rulers so the children can help themselves and create a craft that is unstructured and entirely of their own imagination.

School-Aged 6-12 years

Have a good old-fashioned lemonade or iced tea stand.

Give them a low-supervision job that can easily be fixed such as sanding decks, weeding the garden, or painting fences. You may have to pay them for those!

Help them set up a neighborhood lawn-mowing business with a hand mower.

Teach them how to cook, bake or assemble food.

Together, embark on the annual Halloween costume sewing project early and teach them to sew.

Bring out saved new toys and kits that were put away after birthday parties.

Consider drop-in day camps for just the day.

Allow the children to use your video camera to make Lego™ movies after you’ve given a care lesson and are supervising.

Have a video game swap among friends.

If you have a handheld GPS, take them Geocaching.

Paper Dolls are still fun. Give them white paper and markers and challenge them to make a house, zoo, store, pool, school, library out of each sheet of paper. They can also draw and cut out people, pets and items. Before long, children will be acting out roles and scenarios!

Egg drop test. Hard boil a dozen eggs and cool. Assemble lots of materials and packaging and challenge the kids to wrap the egg so that it won’t crack when dropped from six feet above the floor. Great for problem-solving and learning science.

Have a “Christmas in July” day – decorate a backyard tree with popcorn, and with pinecones dipped in peanut butter (for the birds to eat) and rolled in birdseed. Using newspaper, wrap “used, but loved” gifts taken from around the house and finish it off with a turkey dinner.

Have a board game day.

Any small gadget or appliance that is broken is wonderful to take apart and unscrew with parent supervision. Check out second hand shops and garage sales for free stuff.

Have a history theme day. For example, declare a “prehistoric” day and make cave paintings, eat with your hands, camp out in a tent in the back yard and wear draped sheets. Try to talk via writing instead of talking.

Have a backwards day where you have a bedtime story, bath, dinner, then lunch and breakfast last.

Play potions. Experiment in the kitchen by making different combos of liquids that are edible and see what tastes, properties and observations can be made from combining different mixtures.

Teenagers 13–19 years

Drop them off at the library for a day to immerse in reading books, trying out the computer terminals and use new software applications that libraries offer, but you may not have at home.

Teens love grown-up board games and especially old favourite card games.

Summer is a great time to volunteer at many worthwhile places.

Teach your teen how to drive.

Show them how to set up a few yard sales so they can earn cash to buy new play items.

Most teens would be interested in the school-aged play ideas also.

Organize a regular teen lunch at the mall or movie night and have all friends bus to the meeting place at a regular time each week.

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling, “Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery” She specializes in “Parenting the Digital Generation” www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca
Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety.

Cooked Playdough Recipe

2010-08-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

World’s Best Playdough Recipe
Courtesy of Parents and Children Together (www.pact.9f.com)

2 cups white flour
2 cups water
½ cup salt
2 TBSP oil
4 tsp Cream of Tartar
4 tsp food color

Mix salt, flour, and cream of tartar in a heavy medium pot . Add water, oil and food coloring. Cook and stir over medium heat. When the mixture forms a ball in the pot, turn it out and knead on a lightly floured surface. Store the play-dough in an air-tight container, preferably in the fridge. Serve with cookie cutters, rolling pins, necklaces and rings (for imprinting), cupcake trays, garlic press, etc. Enjoy!

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling, “Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery” She specializes in “Parenting the Digital Generation” www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca

Family Game Night - Tips and Strategies

2010-06-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

Family Game Night Tips

It’s that time of the week that everyone looks forward to – Family Game Night! Here are some tips to make it go smoother and fun for everyone – including Mom!

Have a simple dinner. Order in pizza so that there are not many dishes to clean up and cooking is not necessary. If pizza is too expensive, plan to have a “snack” tray instead. Get a set of muffin tins or any compartmentalized tray and serve cheese cubes, fruit cubes, vegetable sticks, a few dips, meat roll-ups, raisins, nuts (not for under four year olds though), crackers, pita pieces, hummus, and various finger foods. This takes hardly any dishes, and Mom is not always getting up between game turns to cook, serve and clean-up dinner.

Maintain a missing pieces bucket. Have a catch-all bucket for wayward game pieces, puzzle pieces, dice, and cards that get stuck under the sofa, behind tables and dropped into the carpet. That way, when a certain game is pulled out, the bucket can be checked for “lost” pieces before play begins.

Use plastic bags for pieces. When game boxes get wrecked from overuse, use clear locking plastic bags to contain cards and all pieces. Hole-punch the bag if you have young children present so it is not a suffocation hazard. Bags are also handy for travelling because they keep out dirt and are less bulky.

Roll dice in containers. Save those big plastic clear pill or dip containers for dice containers. Clean them out really well, and put two dice in them and then snap on the lid. It’s great for little hands to shake the dice and not spill them all over the table and floor. The clear sides allow everyone to see the dice roll.

Paint the backs of puzzles. Put a dab of paint or nail polish on the back of every puzzle piece and clean up will be easy.

Make a shield. Prop big hard cover thin book s up in front of small children, so little ones can spread out their cards on the table in front of them. One problem with family game night is that little hands have trouble holding the cards. You could also buy a child’s card holder.

Play cooperative games. The ages of 6-8 years are the hardest times for children to accept losing. After eight years of age, it becomes easier for children to deal with the disappointment of not winning. Have a rule that the winner cleans up the game pieces and it might make losing a bit more palatable.

Partner up. Assign a non-reading child to an adult partner to help him read his game pieces and or write his answers, and they will play as a team.

With summer coming, consider games that go beyond the kitchen table. Head to the park and play tag, red rover, duck-duck-goose, Fox and rabbit, and various skipping games. Google the individual games to find instructions and rules of play, on the internet. Buy a big bucket of sidewalk chalk and use your driveway as a huge game board. You could play X’sand 0’s on the driveway as well as hopscotch, Snakes and Ladders and other simple games.

Remember that it’s not about the type of game, but the sheer joy of spending time together that really matters to your children on family game night. Have fun!

Judy Arnall is an international award-winning peaceful parenting speaker, and bestselling author of “Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery” www.professionalparenting.ca 403-714-6766 or jarnall@shaw.ca

She is also co-founder of Attachment Parenting Canada www.attachmentparenting.ca

Permission to reprint this article is granted if the byline is reproduced in its entirety. Article content may be edited for publication space limitations.

Parenting the Digital Generation Speaker Judy Arnall discusses changes

2010-06-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

Are we still wearing blue eyeshadow, big hair and shoulder pads from the 1980's? Very unlikely! So why are we still using the same parenting tools to control children - using punishments and bribery? We are raising a new generation of children in a very different culture than thirty years ago. We need new parenting tools! These tools should build the parenting relationship in order to fuse communication lines between parents and their children. Good communication in the midst of a warm, nurturing, no-fear relationship will allow children to access their parents for help, advice, and guidance, in all ages of children. This can't occur in a relationship based on fear, in which bribery and punishment are used. For more information on non-punitive parenting theory and practice in day to day parenting situations, read "Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery." (Professional Parenting Canada, 2007)

Parenting Boundaries in Social Media

2010-01-25T22:26:00.000-08:00

How far should one parent online? Catch today's post in the Globe and Mail with comments by Judy Arnall, Canada's leading "parenting the digital generation" speaker and expert:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/technology/personal-tech/parenting-in-public-stop-lecturing-on-my-wall-mom/article1442459/

Children's Picky Finicky Eating - How to Get Your Child to Eat

2010-01-02T13:51:00.000-08:00

PICKY EATING PROBLEMS

By Judy Arnall

Babies eat more food relative to weight in the first year, compared to any other year of their life. By age one, food consumption drastically reduces. Babies triple their birth weight in the first year, and toddlers only gain five pounds in the second year. If you can get one good meal into a toddler in a day, you are doing very well!

It helps to think about the division of responsibilities between parent and child as outlined by Ellen Satter. The feeding relationship helps to lesson the need to bargain, bribe, and punish a child to get them to eat. It allows for healthier eating habits and social eating relationships. According to an informal poll of my parenting groups, about 25 to 30 percent of parents feel their toddlers are picky eaters. Toddlers are definitely more interested in exploring than eating, so more food may be on them, the tray and the floor than in their tummies! That’s okay. It’s just a stage.

The Feeding Relationship

The parent’s job

What:
Parents control the money and shopping at this age and make most decisions of what to buy.
The parent controls what food is bought, stored, cooked, and served.

When:
The parent decides when snack and meal times will be.

Toddler’s tummies are about the size of a ping pong ball, and they need food and drink every two hours. Three meals: breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and three snacks: mid-morning, mid-afternoon, and bedtime per day is recommended. The parent keeps the food onthe table for 20 minutes and then puts the food away until the next scheduled meal or snack.

Where:
The parent decides where eating and drinking will take place. Eating at the table should be encouraged to minimize the risk of choking while running, walking,or climbing. It’s also a good habit to get into, as non-aware eating can lead to weight issues. When children eat while watching movies, playing video games, or computers, they are not consciously enjoying the food or even paying attention to what they are eating. Although, I have noticed you can easily slip a plate of raw vegetables and dip under their noses while they are playing video games and the whole plate is gone in minutes. I don’t even think they notice what they just ate!

The child’s job

If:
The child decides if he will eat, according to his internal hunger cues rather than the clock or schedule. A meal is only a small part of the day’s food intake – only 1/6. If your child chooses not to eat, don’t worry. He will make up for it at some time later in the day, next day, or in a few days.

How much:
The child decides what quantity will satisfy his hunger. This also helps him decide his internal cues.

More Eating Tips:

Food jags are normal, where the child eats nothing but peanut butter and jam sandwiches for three weeks or a longer period of time. That’s okay. As long as it’s a healthy food, don’t worry about their nutritional intake. Most parents who worried about nutrition, found that their toddlers did eat a variety of foods when they kept a log of their food intake over a week or two week period.

It takes 15 tries to accept a new food. Have a one bite routine – try one bite (the no-thank-you bite) and see if your child likes it. If they don’t, let them spit it out. Don’t turn the one bite routine into a power struggle. Young children have very sensitive taste buds and they definitely will change overtime.

Toddlers usually don’t eat much at dinner. They are tired and cranky at the end of the day. Track their lunch and breakfast intake.

Toddlers usually prefer finger type foods.

Cut a bathmat in half and use it on the highchair seat so they don’t slide out.

To save time, don’t use dishes. Put the food right on the tray. Then the plate won’t be thrown.

Give baby a spoon for each hand and then you can feed him with a separate spoon. It keeps his hands busy.

Give a butter spreader to help preschoolers cut food.

Let a toddler practice drinking from a sippy cup in the bathtub.

Fill toddler glasses only one third full, and make sure all dishes are plastic.

Cool hot food by dumping in an ice cube.

Be aware of micro-waving mugs with the attached plastic straws on the outside.
The liquid in the straw heats first and can cause burns because the toddler drinks it first.

Clean highchairs and strollers in the shower. Run water and let the encrusted food soften. Works as well outside in the summer with the hose.

Dumping, mushing, and throwing food are exploratory behaviors. A little food exploration is part of development. When the food deliberately hits the walls, or the food exploration is testing your patience on a stressful day, it’s a signal that mealtime is over. Remove your child from the eating place.

If the toddler doesn’t sit still at mealtime, schedule a burn up activity right before mealtime, and they will have used up some energy. Before a restaurant visit, go to a playground. In fact, this works well for any event that requires a certain amount of sit still time: weddings, church, movies, concerts. Be thankful for 10 – 15 minutes, as this is all you might get!

Let them feed themselves with non-messy foods like peas and bread pieces while you can still feed the messy stuff with the spoon.

Try serving finger foods with dip or sauce. All children love sauces to swirl.

Serve mini portions of old favorites: pancakes, muffins, meatballs.

Let them pour their own juice using the dishwasher door as a counter surface.
Then you can just close the door after they spill and the mess goes into the dishwasher.

Serve a tray of carrot sticks, broccoli florets, red pepper, and salad dressing as you are getting dinner ready. Guaranteed it will be gone!

You can pretend to sprinkle sugar over the cereal and nobody will notice the difference. Just wave your spoon over and your toddler will think you put sugar and salt on their food.

Young children tend to like their food separated. Avoid casseroles if possible.

Serve dessert along with the meal. Don’t elevate the status of dessert as more desirable by declaring it the prize for eating the lesser-valued dinner items.

Purée vegetables to hide in soups and sauces.

Make sure dessert is healthy. Fruit, yogurt, ice-cream and oatmeal cookies are all very healthy choices and part of a balanced diet.

Avoid classifying food into “good” and “bad” categories. Use “more nutritious” and “less nutritious” so you get your child into the habit of making better food choice decisions.

Avoid punishing or rewarding a child with food items.

Treats are occasional foods. They wouldn’t be called treats if they were served every day.

Designate a treat day.

Avoid bargaining using food. Parents who say, “Eat four more bites of your hamburger and then you can have your toy,” are setting themselves up for power struggles. Children learn very quickly that parents want them to eat, and by refusing, they can get attention and control. Give children attention for positive behavior and control in the form of choices. Don’t make eating a power struggle.

For fun, serve food on doll or play dishes.

Preserve the social function of food. A comforting, social, happy atmosphere at meal and snack time and a wide variety of healthy foods is all that’s needed for childhood nutrition.

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling, “Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery
“ She specializes in “Parenting the Digital Generation” and picky eating habits http://www.professionalparenting.ca/ (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca

Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety.

How to Get Your Child off Computer/Video Games

2010-01-02T12:08:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Tips to Limit Your Child’s Screen Time without Scream Time!

By Judy Arnall

Eight year old Kyle received no less than nine new computer and video games for the holidays and his parents are wondering how to keep him under the health professionals’ recommended screen time limit of one and a half hours a day without Kyle throwing a fit.

It can be difficult to impose rules on time spent in front of the TV, video machine, DVD and handheld players, but it’s not impossible. Here are the top ten ways to help your child manage screen time and not destroy your valuable parenting relationship.

Redirect to other stimulation. Have board games set up, sports equipment ready to go, or recipe ingredients laid out ready for a baking session.
Be involved and knowledgeable of where they travel on the Internet and whom they play games with. Spend time building the parent-child relationship by taking an interest in their on-line gaming and chatting pursuits. It’s easier to direct them to your activities after you connect for a while in their playground.
Don’t punish – problem solve! It’s not a battle of you against them. It’s you and your child against the problem. You are both on the same team! Work the problem out together to everyone’s satisfaction and enjoy the new rules and increased connection.
Model a balanced life that includes seven keys to health and happiness. Invite your child toparticipate with you in your pursuit of the seven keys of a balanced life. Many children willget active if the parents or the whole family is involved:
7 Keys to a Balanced Life
Social time - time spent with friends
Physical activity time - exercise, sports, active play
Mental exercise time - educational activities, games, puzzles, homework, reading
Spiritual time – volunteering, meditating, solitude, unstructured play, church
Family time – doing projects
Financial time – job
Hobby Time – leisure pursuits and projects
Negotiate! Make good use of Family Conferences, "parent concern" Consulting, and negotiation sessions to discuss time limits that meet everyone’s needs.
Issue time tokens. Each hour of physical activity will garner a child an hour of screen time.
Get it in writing. Draw up a daily schedule and discuss where screen time fits in with the day’s already scheduled activities. Children can sign into time slots.
Contract. Draw up a weekly or monthly agreement that has limits decided by both the parent and child together. Display in a prominent place. Point to it when the complaining occurs. Discuss when the contract is up for renewal.
Change the environment. Sometimes, it’s easier to move around the setting than to change the other person. Seriously consider whether adding more equipment and hardware will add to the screen time and decide to not bring it into the house. Move the computer and gaming systems into the main family area. Having one unit for the children to share means more fighting over screen time, but can also mean more time spent in learning the valuable skill of negotiating and less individual screen time.
(Bonus!) Teach your child the fine art of Haggling! "Hey, Eric, Wow, you made another level! Good for you! Now, I need you to do the dishes. What time would you like to get at them?" Insist they give you a time and haggle when they give you an outrageous one. Choice from your child makes it easier for them to abide by it.

Remember that you have the most power to negotiate rules and limits before the power button goes on! Go for it!

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling, "Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery" She specializes in "Parenting the Digital Generation" and is available for keynotes or breakouts on many net generation topics http://www.professionalparenting.ca/ (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca

Copyright permission granted for "reproduction without permission" of this article in whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety.

Personal Video from Santa

2009-12-15T13:35:00.000-08:00

Give your child the gift of Christmas with a personal video from Santa.
http://santa.sympatico.ca/

Children Fighting? Sibling Rivalry Remedies

2009-12-12T10:19:00.000-08:00

SIBLING RIVALRY REMEDIES

“Your kids fight?” people ask incredulously, when I am presenting a parenting workshop. “Of course!” I answer. “Every person in a love relationship fights.” I prefer to say that every relationship has conflict. It’s normal and inevitable to disagree. However, the determining factor in the quality of the relationship is how the fights get resolved. Conflict happens between spouses, partners, relatives, friends, neighbours, co-workers, group members, governments, countries and everyone else. Why would the sibling relationship be different? You know it’s going to happen. But like many things in parenting, it’s better to know what you are dealing with and have some planned strategies to try.

First, know that there are basically 4 types of sibling conflicts. Each conflict type is driven by an underlying feeling, because most all relationship fights are generally about feelings, and not so much about the presenting issues. So the best way to deal with sibling fights is to deal head on with the feelings, rather than the issue. Here are the reasons kids fight, and what the child’s underlying feelings are:

BOREDOM
The underlying feeling is, you guessed it! Boredom! What better way for your child to have some fun, than to bug someone who he knows is going to give him a great reaction?

Unhelpful parent strategy: Ignoring the fight. Punishing the child.

Helpful parent strategy: Give your child a new, interesting activity that is work, fun or something to do with you or someone else. Casually separating the children also helps, but don’t make it an enforced time out.

PARENTAL ATTENTION

Your child is feeling left out, unloved, or un-noticed. Your child is silently screaming: “Notice me, whether negatively or positively, just notice me!”

Unhelpful parent strategy: Giving negative attention in the form of a punishment, time-out, or time spent playing judge and jury.

Helpful parent strategy: Avoid punishments. Ignore the fighting, but give more individual time and attention later when the fighting has subsided. Schedule a date night or time alone with just that child. Acknowledge pleasant sibling interactions when they occur.

ISSUES

Your child is feeling victimized, angry, frustration, or injustice.

Unhelpful parent strategy: Playing judge by directing who the perpetrator and victim was, and how restitution should be made, according to how you see things. Taking away fought over toys or privileges. Punishing both children regardless of the issue.

Helpful parent strategy: Avoid punishments. Accept and acknowledge each child’s feelings and point of view and try to help them express it to the other child. Help them come to solutions, that both children will agree to. Help them generate the ideas, rather than you do it for them. In addition, give each child input in family rule formation. Teach problem solving skills and then coach them through the process. Teach anger management strategies and self-calming techniques later when everyone has calmed down and the issues are resolved.

ACCUMULATED UNDERGROUND RESENTMENTS

Your child may be feeling accumulated hatred and resentments toward their sibling, and may also be feeling jealousy, unworthiness, unloved, victimized, unvalued, or discarded.

Unhelpful parenting strategies: Group punishments, taking away toys or privileges, comparisons, and labelling. Being a judge without hearing or seeing the whole story.

Helpful parent strategies: Notice generous, loving, caring, behaviour and point it out to the children in specific language. Avoid labels and comparisons. Love each child best. Encourage accomplishments and efforts of each child. Avoid punishments of any kind to anybody. Accept and acknowledge all feelings of each child, even if you don’t agree with them. Give a lot of individual attention and time to each child.

How you deal with sibling rivalry determines how the children treat each other. If you punish them, they will punish each other. If your approach is to work on “solving the problem in a mutually respectful way”, they will also take the same approach. And remember, you do not have to maintain equality at all times. Just commit yourself to giving only what each child needs. One child will bound to get more, because they need more, but the important point is that each child feels secure knowing that when he needs something, it will be given to him.

In “Between Parent and Child”, Dr. Haim Ginott states: “We do not love all our children the same way, and there is no need to pretend that we do. We love each child uniquely, and we do not have to labour so hard to cover it up. The more vigilant we are to prevent apparent discrimination, the more alert each child becomes, in detecting instances of seeming inequality. Unwillingly, we find ourselves defensive against the child’s universal battle cry, ‘no fair!’”

Celebrate your children’s fights! What a great opportunity to teach relationship skills and conflict resolution skills that they are bound to need later in life.

Judy Arnall is a professional international award-winning Parenting Speaker, and Trainer, Mom of five children, and author of the best-selling, “Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery” She specializes in “Parenting the Digital Generation” www.professionalparenting.ca (403) 714-6766 jarnall@shaw.ca

Copyright permission granted for “reproduction without permission” of this article in whole or part, if the above credit is included in its entirety.

Separation Anxiety: The $120.00 Swim Lesson

2009-12-11T14:06:00.000-08:00

This was the summer my son was going to learn how to swim! He was seven and old enough to agree to the lessons when I asked him in March. I signed him up and paid the $120.00 Come July, he was feeling more anxious about it and resisted going the first day. Once again, I'm faced with the age-old parenting question: "Should I make him go, or let him stay home?"

As a parent, we want to provide our children with a taste of the many wonderful experiences that life can offer. We flip through pages of booklets of the many offerings of classes, daycamps, preschools and envision our child loving the sports, art, music, science lessons, camps and activities. We take time to sign him up, write checks, arrange transportation, and prepare him for the first day. The first day arrives and he doesn't want to go. What to do now? Should we drag him to the activity kicking and screaming, or give in and let him miss?

It depends on your child and your goals for the activity. Does your child usually complain until he gets there and then loves it? Or does your child complain loudly the whole time he is there and all the way home? Did you sign up your child to acquire skills, socialize a bit more, or for a little down time for you?

I would suggest the "Nudge, but don't Force" approach. Encourage him to go the first day and try it out. One day. This is giving the child informed consent. He needs to experience what he is going to make a decision about and if he goes the first day and hates it, then let him drop the activity. Most venues will give you the majority of your fees back, if you drop it immediately after the first day. If he loves it, then he will be glad you nudged him. Like getting kids to try new foods, one bite is enough to know if it will work for them or not at that time. If you can't get a refund, don't worry about wasting the money. It's better to build trust with your child in that he will try new things if you don't force him to attend the whole way through in the name of "committing to the agenda." Many adults get second chances and can drop out of things they don't like. As children get older, you can teach the importance of commitment with chores, friends and homework, rather than with activities. If you force them to attend the activity the whole course, you risk teaching them to hate the very activity you were hoping they would love. If it's skills, socialization or time to yourself that is the goal, is there another way to achieve it? Is it the right time to work on that now?

If you have a quiet, shy or anxious child, promise to stay with him and leave in baby steps as per his comfort level. Again, building trust is important. Ignore complaints from staff that will recite their "No Parents Allowed" policy. You know your child best and need to act in his best interests. Research supports a gradual leaving of your child and building trust in your relationship that you will fulfill your promises of staying until he no longer needs you. Child program professionals should understand that the importance of your child's comfort level and it should supercede any perceived concerns that " it will show favouritism to one child" if their parents are allowed to stay. If the venue or staff will not let you stay, consider a more parent-friendly program or venue and also consider if your child is really ready. Sometimes a few months or weeks of further emotional or social development is all your child needs to push his independence further.
In the end, my son didn't go back after the first day of swimming lessons. However, he trusts that if he tries something new, he has the power to trust his instincts about whether the choice is right for him or not and have those instincts respected by his parents. That is worth more than $120.00

Judy Arnall is an international award-winning parenting speaker and author of the bestselling, "Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery." www.professionalparenting.ca

Storybook Theatre, "The Other Side of the Pole"

2009-12-11T14:01:00.000-08:00

Family friendly entertainment at its best. Storybook Theatre's classic, "The Other Side of the Pole" is now playing. Great for children ages six and up.

http://www.storybooktheatre.org/

Judy Arnall's Appreciation of the Week

2009-12-11T13:56:00.000-08:00

Cherish the Ladies performed at the Jack Singer Concert Hall last night in Calgary, and they were toe tapping, clapping, and wholesomely awesome family entertainment. I highly recommend a visit.

For ages eight years and up
http://www.cherishtheladies.com/

Parenting Speaker

2009-12-09T11:54:00.000-08:00

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